Steven Rice
SOME QUESTIONS
Who are "they"?

"They" say it's going to rain this week. "They" say confession

is good for the soul. "They" say things come in threes. Apparently there is some great oligarchy of wisdom that not only predicts the weather but also offers sage insight into the great mysteries of living. But who is "they"? Where do "they" live? How do "they" dispense this information? I'm not a big fan of conspiracy theories.

I don't think the Masons run the world or that the moon landing was a Hollywood production

or even that aliens live at Area 51,

but I am growing more and more nervous about "them."

Why is it that Paris Hilton's jail sentence is "breaking news"? I don't mind having Deal or No Deal interrupted by French Presidential election results or coverage of the Kansas tornado but is it really breaking news that Paris Hilton is sentenced to a whopping 45 days in jail?

Sports Illustrated has (or at least they used to) a piece in their magazine every week entitled "This Week's Sign the Apocalypse is Upon Us." They are not offering biblical prophecy, just snippets of real life that are so absurd that the end must be near. Paris Hilton leading the evening news has got to mean the clock is ticking down, don't you think?

Why does the "Take Home Chef" on The Learning Channel only approach attractive females in high-end grocery stores? If he really wants a challenge, he ought to come up to me in Bi-Lo as I am putting Vienna sausages in my buggy. Let's see him make a gourmet meal out of that. Maybe he can combine Vienna sausages and cheese from a bottle.

Why do 45-year-old baseball pitchers make 28 million dollars a year? This week the New York Yankees signed aging star Roger Clemens to a prorated contract worth 28 million dollars. If he played every game of the 162 game schedule (which, of course, he won't), he would make $172,000 per game! I don't fault Roger for making that kind of money, good for him, but isn't there a better way to spend 28 million dollars?

Why do racehorses die after they break a leg? I admit, I didn't pay too much attention to Barbaro last year, but I do believe that if I were a racehorse, I'd be a little more careful as to where I step. Is it infection that kills them? Are their hearts behind their kneecaps? Do they even have kneecaps? Or could "they" be behind this? Because you know what "they" say about a horse that breaks his leg.

You can reach the Rev. Steve Rice, rector, St Michael's Episcopal Church, Waynesboro, Ga., at www.episcopalians.info.